The Wonder of It

I wonder about many things. Some are ‘why did it happen’ things that litter the past like leaves twirled about by a autumn breeze. They land and perhaps stay until time pulls them back into the earth. And they are then forgotten. Others swirl about every time the air moves when a person or animal passes. Those are curious as if the person or animal passing somehow stirs up the ‘why’ like they are connected to the original event. And is that even possible?

Links that weave through time, my time. Perhaps it’s the original event that created a ‘why’ that could not be resolved then or maybe ever. I can wonder and spin around until gravity yanks my feet out and I am left with nothing but a small ache that chooses to remain forever tugging at my heart with a sadness or little grief.

I wonder why I allow people to be so important that their actions affect my ability to understand? Or even function normally whatever normal is. I’m of a nature, I suppose, that requires answers. Wish I didn’t. That could be a wonder too.

Then I wonder about daily events like watching activities too incomprehensible, too impossible for me to alter. Why watch? Why care? Each moment of life is an entity in itself. Most trickle into the next without noticeable transition. Then there are those that baffle thought. Why did that just happen? Why did they just do that? Why do I care?

Nothing. That is the best moment. When nothing of significance occurs. My cat decides this is the moment you need my company. No complications. A moment like that.

Yeah, I wonder. I’m supposed to be a social creature yet when I have to deal with other people I know whatever is alive in their minds is nothing like mine or anyone else’s. Their expectations are alien to me. Mine is to them. I often look at a person and see someone who has neglected their physical self. They are wounded by the life they lived. Their moments left battle scars. So I wonder have mine? Perhaps I cannot see them. Maybe others can.

Yeah, the wonder. Emotions are traps. If I felt nothing I’d be more at peace. Is that possible? My cat doesn’t feel emotions as I do. He’s got his needs, his desires. But they seem so much more logical.

Maybe I’m just tired of it all. Give as much as possible and get in return, what? At some point in time, I believe it just stops mattering. Doesn’t it? Giving became obligation. I wonder. Nothing fills the hole inside, the little sadness that sits in the center of my being seems permanent.

Obligation is not fulfilling. There is no sense of selflessness. There’s no warm feeling of accomplishment or satisfaction. It’s more like well that’s one less thing I must do. But honestly, occasionally the needs of others seems like a bottomless pit of darkness and despair, draining life. I imagine it’s their sense of selfishness that’s draining. The ‘give me’ some glances holds, some gestures. Words rattle around but most often don’t match with the actions that follow them. That’s a ‘get me’.

Yup, I wonder.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.